Satire Writings

I hope that most of you have had the opportunity to enjoy the pure comedy gold that is The Onion. Over the years I have often how thought it would be great to write for this actual "Fake News" site. The articles I wrote are old so many of the references to past Olympics or sports news stories are probably long forgotten, especially in light of the litany of crazy news we are subjected to hourly these days.  Nevertheless, this page is a place to house a few of those articles for posterity. 

US Defeats Russia, but Putin Steals the Show

SOCHI, Russia —Team USA and Team Russia battled hard and evenly through 65 minutes before T.J. Oshie scored the deciding shootout tally in the eighth round to give the U.S. a 3-2 victory at the Bolshoy Ice Dome, but it was the postgame reaction of Vladimir Putin that was the true show in the recently constructed venue. The passion shown in the game paled in comparison to the demonstrative actions made by the Russian leader at center ice following the Russian defeat.

The fireworks began when an apparent goal by Russia defenseman Fyodor Tyutin at 15:20 of the third period was waved off because the net had come off its moorings well before the puck went into it.  This chain of events sent Vladimir Putin into a fit of rage that continued long after game concluded. Immediately following the Russian loss Putin declared that Sergei  Bobrovsky was to be banished to Siberia and that he allowed the game winning goal because he was gay. Putin continued his tirade by declaring that he would be taking over goaltender duties in future contests and that he would be doing so shirtless. “Mother Russia needs a man to defend the goal and only I am man enough to do this”, declared Putin as he repeatedly beat his chest and grunted.  He concluded his speech by executing, what appeared to be a heavily sedated Siberian Musk Deer, with his bare hands. “Perhaps Mother Russia’s team will see this native deer spill its blood on the ice and be motivated to do the same as they skate towards redemption and the gold medal,” exclaimed a breathless Putin as he violently twisted at the limp animal’s neck at center ice. Upon decapitating the animal he took a shot of vodka, mounted a black horse and rode bareback out of the Ice Dome. Cheers from the home crowd could be heard as his mount carried him off into the streets of Sochi.

In what appears to be a related story Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko was found dead outside of the Adler Skating center. A figure skate was embedded in his lower back. The skate contained a note indicating that only pain such as this would prevent Putin from skating for Mother Russia.

 AP-Reuters-Bloomington, IN

Breaking News

Indiana Coaching Search Ends

Bloomington, IN- In a stunning move Indiana athletic director decides to disband the coaching search committee and make the hiring decision on his own. In a move sure to stun Hoosier nation the much derided AD has decided to hire Kelvin Sampson's son Kellen as the new head coach at Indiana University. "He will bring the same intensity and knowledge of his father, but with the knowledge that rules must be followed," said Greenspan. "He knows these players and has built a relationship with them," he continued. Sources close to the program believe this move was done to encourage freshman sensation Eric Gordon to return for another season.

It is rumored that Tony Bennett of Washington State was the front runner for the job, but Greenspan did not want wait until Washington State's tournament run was over to make an offer. Greenspan was quoted on campus as saying, "Now is the time to move forward."

This move will surely cost Greenspan his job. He has already been under fire for his handling of the Sampson debacle and his timing in  naming the coaching search committee.

There will be more to come as this story develops.

Sandusky Claims Another Innocent Victim

 The Sandusky , Ohio city council has passed a vote to change the name of the town. “In light of the heinous acts perpetrated by Jerry Sandusky we have decided make the change,” stated council member William Jennings. Since the charges of child molestation by Jerry Sandusky have been reported the town has seen a massive drop in tourism. Jennings indicated, “Tourism is our meal ticket and Cedar Point Amusement Park has always been a destination for families. We don’t want the actions of a pervert to continue to jeopardize our already fragile economy.” 

At first glance this action might seem extreme, however local hotels and nearby water parks have reported cancellations and a drop in attendance. At the time this article was written families were leaving the confines of the amusement park in droves, purportedly for fear that the monster that is Jerry Sandusky was lurking in one of the many kiddie areas, roller coasters, or water parks found in the town. They did not seem to understand that just because a town shares the name with someone that does not mean that person is present and waiting to molest children. Antoine Dodson, who was among the fearful masses of tourists who were fleeing area, slowed to jog as he passed by and vocalized his fears. Dodson stated, “He's climbin in your windows. He's snatchin your people up. Tryin rape ‘em so y'all need to hide your kids, hide your kids, hide your, kids, hide your kids, hide your kids cause he rapin’ everybody out here.” There was no evidence or indication that child rape was occurring within the amusement park and Dodson’s claims seemed more rooted in hysteria than in fact. However, his statement did lend credence to the actions of the town council. 

To date there has not been a new name chosen for the town. It appears that Tressel and Clarett are in the running for the new name. The city that was formerly Sandusky , an always Ohio State football crazy city, appears to want to attempt to capitalize on Ohio State name recognition to enhance tourism. Jennings stated, “It is not every day that a town can change its name and we want to use the cachet that comes from having ties to the Ohio State football program to enhance our marketability.  The memories the country has of Jim and Maurice from their days at Ohio State were all positive and hell, even if they aren’t, lies and robbery are not as bad as child rape.”